


but we said our vows by the sea

by astkora



Category: SB19 (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Mild Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:54:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27419119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astkora/pseuds/astkora
Summary: There were instances, of course. Subtle hints that gradually led Justin into contemplating what had beenunthinkableback then.It had started when Ken chopped his hair off last summer.
Relationships: Justin De Dios/Felip Jhon Suson | Ken
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	but we said our vows by the sea

**Author's Note:**

> If we're mutuals on Twitter, the title may seem familiar to you. Yes, this was the piece I gladly sent to interested parties in exchange for their votes. (I joined an essay writing contest in school, you see).
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy reading angst as much as I do. This is for every kentin shipper (and non-shipper!) out there. Happy Kentin Day!

Outside, there lay a patchwork of boulders, blocking what should have been the driveway to Justin’s apartment. There were days where occasional complaints had been sent to his direction, addressing the fact that he should have had the mind to at least clear the driveway for the convenience of public parking.

That was the problem, though. Justin was in no state to heed advice from his neighbors. It was still raining, the sky overcast with angry clouds and subtle shadows of lightning. Surely heading outside at this time of the night would prove impractical.

He should shut the blinds, then. The downpour would get heavier tonight. Justin’s feet dragged him toward the dimly-lit living room in the silence that amplified his punishing thoughts.

“ _Knock, knock!”_

He stopped right then. Justin sighed at the obnoxious call from the other side of the door. A quick glance at the clock reminded him that it was nearing nine in the evening. What would his neighbor want from him this time? 

“Justin!” came the familiar voice. When Justin reached the door, he swung it open to reveal his good friend Josh. At first glance, the older man looked like he could use some good drying. He stood there with his shirt drenched and stuck to his skin, the strands of his hair falling all over his face and allowing occasional trails of water to soak into the collar of his shirt. “Dre,” said the older man, a hint of a plea. “Nasiraan ako ng sasakyan.”

Right.

“Na naman?” prompted Justin. His right foot tapped the tiles anxiously out of instinct. “Pang-apat na beses mo na ‘to ngayong linggo.”

He took the cue to begin shutting the door. 

“Jah, wag — teka lang!” Obviously panicked, Josh scrambled to wedge his foot against the door frame. Justin scoffed at the familiar tactic, completely unimpressed at his friend’s attempt at guilt-tripping him. “Dre, sige na,” Josh insisted, “tulungan mo naman ako oh. Di ba’t pinahiram mo pa lang ‘yun sakin last month?”

“Oo, pero pinahiram lang kita kasi kailangan mong bisitahin si tita sa probinsya.”

“Traffic ‘yun eh,” Josh shrugged. “Di maiwasan. Tsaka nasa maayos naman na kondisyon yung sasakyan noong binalik ko siya sa’yo.”

“Akala ko ba may number ka na ni Sejun? Freshman year pa lang, close na kayo kaagad. Sa kanya ka na lang kaya humiram.”

“Oh, your humor is gold.” Josh snorted. “'Di mo pa ba kilala si Sejun? It’ll take you approximately ten to fifteen calls to reach him because he’s always hogging the hours with _Stell_.”

“‘Di ko na problema ‘yun.”

“Please, Jah,” pleaded Josh, clasping his hands together and pouting like the ridiculous child he was despite being four years older. “Babawi ako sa’yo. I can take your trash out, do your laundry. . . Pwede ko na rin linisin ang banyo niyo kung kinakailangan.”

Admittedly, that part was tempting, and very much so, but it would pose cowardly on Justin’s part to take advantage of his friend's rather impulsive (and impractical) offer in exchange for the car. Josh would have to try much harder because Justin definitely wasn't _that_ easy.

“‘Wag.” Justin sighed, looking away before massaging his temples. “Umalis ka na nga. Sumasakit ulo ko sa’yo.”

And surprisingly, Josh didn’t say anything after that. He remained unspeaking, leaning against the door frame with his feet outside the room and his eyes trained on Justin, still. A momentary pause allowed Justin a chance to study his friend’s face. It screamed _wary,_ and even worse — _doubt_.

“Asan si Ken?” asked Josh.

“Nasa labas,” Justin answered, perhaps a little too quickly. He hadn’t liked the biting edge to his friend’s tone. Justin’s eyes remained unblinking, careful to rake his gaze over the questioning brow Josh had raised. “Nag-aaral sa public library. Malapit na siyang mag graduate, in case nakalimutan mo.”

“Sa ganitong oras?” Scoffing, Josh shook his head, and Justin despised the sight of it. “Ang tagal pa ng finals. Ba’t ba siya nagmamadali?”

“Umayos ka,” Justin warned. “I wouldn’t consider his careful preparation as rushing.” Behind him, his hands closed into a tight fist. “Ganon mag-aral si Ken dahil dean’s lister siya.”

The chuckle that bubbled out of Josh’s throat very nearly provoked Justin into letting his tongue speak for himself.

_Not yet._

Josh crossed his arms. “I wouldn’t be so sure, buddy,” he said, giving Justin a quick once-over. “Masyado ka yatang nagtitiwala sa kanya.”

“Gago ka ah,” snapped Justin, seeing red. “Boyfriend ko si Ken.”

“Boyfriend mo nga,” agreed Josh, “for seven impressive years now, if I may add. I’m completely surprised you haven’t questioned his loyalty yet.”

At that exact moment, Justin could hear nothing but the distant voice of his high school lover singing him promises in the deserted province beach.

 _"Saksi ang buwan at bituin sa pagmamahalan nating dalawa._ ”

Ken’s palms had felt cold where they caressed Justin’s cheeks that night. But even with the resounding crash of the waves and the crisp November wind that swept past their faces, the warmth from Ken’s embrace was enough to melt the ice around Justin’s heart.

“Umalis ka na.” Gripping the doorknob, Justin heaved equal but ragged breaths. He ignored Josh who raised his hands in surrender and shut the door in his face without ever thinking twice.

When Justin risked closing his eyes, he knew he had made a mistake.

The only thing that greeted him in the darkness was the repetitive crash of the water.

…

“Ito, isipin mo,” started Ken, throwing his hands in the air in quick, animated gestures. “Isa kang sikat na international professional swimmer, at nanalo ka sa lahat ng sinalihan mong swimming competition. Hinamon ka ng media na languyin ang pacific ocean sa loob ng dalawang araw. Millions of dollars wait at the end of the deal, at kung matapos mo ito nang buhay, world peace is attained, saving humanity for the next thousands of years.” Perhaps for emphasis, Ken pointed to the ocean that lay ahead. “Sa tingin mo mananalo ka?”

Justin stares at his best friend with a quirked brow. With enough experience to back-up their friendship, Justin was confident to say that he’d already seen Ken utter total nonsense under the influence of liquor. He’d witnessed with his own eyes the way Ken would flirt with people in their campus, and had once been at the receiving end of Ken’s rather… _amusing_ way of courting.

Despite his good memory, the behavior Ken held now was a side of him that Justin had never seen before. It was, however, a sight worth treasuring.

“Dami mong alam.” Justin shook his head, snorting, and when Ken cracked a smile, his heart had skipped a beat. He dug his toes into the sand and waited for the water to kiss them. “Napakakulit mo talaga minsan, no? Pasalamat ka mahal kita.”

As if on cue, a pair of arms snuck around Justin’s waist and squeezed. It was the twenty-third of November, and both of them tipped on the brink of the semester. A night on the beach had seemed perfect for their first anniversary.

Ken’s voice came as a whisper, but it chilled Justin’s bones nonetheless.

“Pagdududahan mo ba ako, Jah?” he asked, his breath warm against the shell of Justin’s ear. A hand squeezed his waist, lingering. Locking. His voice had dropped nearly an octave. “I may not speak as often, pero tandaan mong ipinaglaban kita. Do you still doubt me?”

Strangely, Justin found himself unable to speak. If it were from the hands that slowly crawled their way across his skin or the weight that threatened to squeeze his chest, he didn’t know.

“Ipinaglaban kita, Justin,” repeated Ken, his mouth now lingering against the skin of Justin’s temple. “Bago pa ako matulog, nagpapasalamat ako sa Diyos dahil binigyan niya ako ng pagkakataong makilala ka.”

How it was suddenly so hard to breathe, Justin didn’t know, and perhaps, he should, but his fingers were trembling and he had lost all sense of control right then. When two fingers crawled to the soft patch of his chin, he was forced to meet Ken’s eyes.

“Mahal kita, Jah.”

Justin clasped his eyes shut.

_Say it back._

_Say it back._

_Fucking say it back._

The waves crashed in the distance. Justin opened his eyes, dragged Ken closer, and _kissed_ him.

…

The sound of books falling startled Justin awake, forcing him to sit upright before flinching back and rubbing his neck that had now grown sore. He knew shouldn’t have slept on the couch.

“Hey.” Ken’s voice echoed from the doorway. Justin threw him a quick glance, blinking through the light that slipped through the blinds. “Naghintay ka pala.”

To be fair, that hadn’t been on Justin’s agenda that night, seeing as they had both made it a ritual to understand each other's business without worrying too much. What worried Justin now, though, was the fact that Ken had caught him waiting up. He hadn’t exactly wished to alert his boyfriend.

Did he?

“Your shirt’s different,” Justin pointed out, completely out of where. Random, unfiltered. Apparently, his thoughts were still in disarray after the mild brawl he had with Josh earlier.

Ken blinked at him. “Ano?”

“Yung shirt mo,” repeated Justin, his left leg bouncing. “Hindi ‘yan ang suot mo bago ka umalis kanina. Suot mo kanina yung regalo sa’yo ni mama, at binili niya ‘yun nung pumunta siya sa States last year. What you’re wearing now…” he averted his eyes. “Ken, that’s the dress shirt I stash in your bag every single day.”

When the words were out, Justin had to shut his eyes and chastise himself for acting so impulsive. What the _fuck_ had he been saying?

Ken must have noticed Justin’s evident display of wariness because no more than three seconds later, he was kneeling in front of Justin, and his hands, despite still being wet from the dew that had painted his skin in the brisk, cold downpour, had planted themselves on the skin of Justin’s cheeks to begin caressing.

Without another word, Ken kissed him, locking Justin in the embrace of his warmth. And right then, right at the very moment his fears had begun to threaten him, Justin had done nothing but succumb to the familiar reassurance.

“Bakit?” Ken asked, when he finally pulled away and Justin was once again exposed to the searching eyes of his best friend. “Masyadong malalim ang iniisip mo. Anong nangyari?”

What _was_ going on, indeed. Now, there lay the one problem that prevented him from ever speaking his mind out. Justin was afraid and very much unprepared for whatever truth remained in hiding. Josh’s words earlier seemed to have left quite an impact, and Justin, seeing as he possessed enough wits in himself to read between the lines, had understood so soon that maybe… maybe Ken wasn’t as transparent as he appeared to be.

Despite the absurdity, Justin had finally considered the possibility of Ken _cheating_ on him.

“I’m sorry,” he rushed out, shaking himself out of it. He ran his hand through Ken’s soaked hair. “Ginisa lang ako ng thesis professor ko kanina. Ang dami niyang satsat. Nakakairita.”

At least, that had cracked a small smile across Ken’s face.

“Magpahinga na kaya tayo,” suggested Ken, squeezing Justin’s knee. “I’ll join you after showering.”

…

There were instances, of course. Subtle hints that gradually led Justin into contemplating what had been unthinkable back then.

It had started when Ken chopped his hair off last summer.

“Bago ‘yan ah,” Justin commented, surprised by his boyfriend’s odd appearance. Ken used to have that golden mop falling over his forehead in the past six years (which had been sure as hell attractive, in all honesty), but his forehead remained uncovered now, his ears completely exposed and even the roots of his hair now evidently black. Justin just _had_ to ask what was up. “Are you meeting someone?”

From where Ken stood in front of the mirror and brushed his air back, he chuckled and shook his head, meeting Justin’s eyes with a hint of sheepishness. “Magkakaroon kami ng departmental pictorial.”

 _Of course_ , Justin had thought, mentally slapping himself. It hadn’t helped that the small voices in his head refused to leave despite Ken’s reassurance.

He no longer knew what was on his boyfriend’s schedule.

The next time something had seemed off, Ken had multiple rolled withdrawal receipts stashed in his jeans and Justin found them on accident while doing laundry.

“Ano ‘to?” Justin raked his eyes over the digits printed across the receipt. He turned to his boyfriend who proceeded to hang the still dripping shirts over the clothing line. “Ang laki ng ni-withdraw mo, Ken. Para saan ba yung pera?”

“Supplies para sa semestral project namin.”

Justin scoffed, disbelieving. “Ang mahal naman ng _supplies_ na ‘yan,” he said, but when he noticed the glance Ken had thrown in his direction, Justin was quick to deflate and sigh in apology. “‘Di ko sinasadya, I’m sorry.”

He shut his eyes in frustration, reopening them only to scan the digits that stretched further into ridiculous numbers. This was the first time Ken had spent so much on his classes, even going so far as sneaking behind Justin’s back to purchase them without admitting how much he needed in the first place.

A chuckle broke out from his boyfriend.

“So ano, sinungaling na ako ngayon?” Ken accused.

“Hindi ‘yan ang—” Justin started, cutting himself off before he could say anything stupid. They didn’t have to argue over this, but the numbers themselves were raising a red flag and the fact that Ken was obviously getting tenser by the second was a sign Justin knew he shouldn’t ignore. Gulping, he turned to his boyfriend. “Bakit mo ‘to tinago sa’kin?”

“Personal expenses ko ‘to, Justin,” Ken scoffed. “I purchase new supplies every month and you know it. Wala akong tinago sa’yo.”

“Pero hindi mo pa rin sinabi sa akin,” Justin argued, wishing his boyfriend would actually see things from his perspective and understand why he was worried in the first place. “I understand that architecture demands a lot from you, but you know I would always support you with your funding. Kausapin mo lang ako, Ken.”

The air between them grew thick. Justin’s fingers were still partly moist from the detergent but they suddenly itched to feel Ken’s warmth.

“Bub,” pleaded Justin, rising from his seat to reach for Ken’s hand. “Talk to me, alright? Wag mo naman akong iwasan.”

There had been more clues around to find, but since then, Justin struggled to keep track of the smallest questionable details, and Ken had taken a liking to hide them much _better_.

…

It was a little over an hour since his afternoon classes started, but still, the library buzzed with lingering heads that disappeared between the bookshelves. Even though skipping his major subject technically wasn’t an option, the rare opportunity of finally confessing had seemed difficult to pass up. Justin was still with his friend Sejun when the latter received a text message from Stell, a mutual friend of theirs who studied in the same university as Ken.

The moment Sejun showed him the text message, Justin’s head began to spin. It was a candid photograph of Ken with another unfamiliar face.

“Isang senior ‘yan sa batch nila,” Sejun pointed out, zooming into the photo where a woman with brunette locks and porcelain skin had a finger on the page Ken was reading. From what it looked like, both of them had been too occupied with whatever they were doing to notice the camera that just so perfectly captured the moment. Ken himself was seated across the woman with two sheets of sketches laid above the table, depicting what should appear to be a discussion between two partners in class. Even his grin in the frame appeared genuine.

Justin pushed the phone away. “Kilala mo?”

“I thought _you_ did,” answered Sejun, squinting at him. “May sinabi ba sa’yo si Ken tungkol sa recent team projects nila?”

Justin scoffed.

“Di naman nagkukuwento ‘yun,” he bit out, forcing himself to erase the mental image of his boyfriend grinning at that woman but still utterly failing. “Not anymore. Tsaka anong oras na ‘yun umuuwi nitong nakaraan mga araw.”

The chatter in the library died down. Sejun nodded, locking his phone and shoving it into the back of his jeans.

“Nakasalubong ko si Josh kahapon,” he began, avoiding Justin’s eye for a reason he didn’t know. “He says he doesn’t trust Ken.”

_Of course he doesn’t._

“Bakit andun si Stell?”

“Well,” Sejun started. “Sasabihin ko sana na pumunta siya doon para mag conduct ng survey,” the corners of his lips pulled into a growing frown, “pero sorry, Jah. I intentionally sent Stell there to make sure.”

To make sure that what? That Ken was definitely _not_ unnecessarily spending a whole lot of time with someone else — in this case, a _woman_ of all people?

In retrospect, Justin shouldn’t have seen the photo.

“Ano pa ang nakita niya?” he asked nonetheless.

The fact that Sejun had only shaken his head was an answer enough.

“Nothing else,” his friend said, gesturing to his phone. “I’ll text you, though, when something odd comes up.”

…

“Ang busy na natin, Jah,” whispered Ken, reaching under the sheets to squeeze Justin’s thigh. Soft as it was, his breath was enough to send the hair on Justin’s skin dancing. “I’ve missed you.”

With their limbs already tangled under the duvet, it was almost impossible to stop whatever it was that Ken had in mind. The rain had stopped a little over an hour ago. Midnight was upon their toes but the eagerness of Ken’s hands seemed to say otherwise.

It still sat heavily on Justin’s chest — the blatant signs of infidelity that he had stubbornly chosen to ignore, the lingering doubt and the brief, angry text messages Josh had kept on sending him every midnight whenever he caught Ken pulling into the driveway at such a late hour. Thinking about all of these ideas that clouded his judgment took up so much of Justin's energy that he had to at least take a second to breathe — breathe, breathe, _breathe_ — and focus on the quick, greedy fingers currently slipping under the band of his boxers. 

Some long overdue sex should ease his mind for the moment, but fuck. The photos Sejun had shown him hours ago still made their way into his head. They proved too vivid, alive and real even as Justin clasped his eyes shut and hoped that the ghost of Ken’s lips would be enough to forget those two smiling faces.

With false courage, he kissed Ken raw and stripped them both of the lies that were beginning to suffocate him.

“Don’t hold back,” whispered Justin, more of a plea rather than an order. “Don’t you _fucking_ hold back.”

When Ken fucked him, it was with an unfamiliar urgency that rendered Justin into sobs. The air between them was too heavy. Justin laid there completely stunned, his jaw falling slack against the tousled sheets as Ken drove in hard and turned his ragged breaths into a silent, pained cry.

Ken kissed him long and deep, and Justin came, shuddering with his boyfriend's name tainting his tongue and his skin warm with the ghost of a nonexistent man.

His head lay on top of Ken’s naked chest with his ears eavesdropping on the constant, low rumble. At least right here — where his eyes blinked from unshed tears and the only sound that lingered in the room was their audible, labored breathing — Justin was still free to imagine that their relationship wasn’t already rotting.

“I love you,” he murmured into the skin of Ken’s breast. They rarely say that to each other anymore, but when they do, it always came out as a mislaid promise. “More than you know.”

He wondered if that part was still technically true, if the words he held so dear in his heart seven years ago still resembled the words he said to Ken now, one way or another.

When the sun finally rose, their hands were longer entangled.

…

“I told you.”

Three words. Just three words in total and still they held enough power to make Justin’s stomach drop fifty feet into the ground.

He closed his eyes and tried blocking out the voices, wishing he were in a different place, wasting through a different timeline altogether rather than sitting with his friends today for a conversation he hadn’t even wanted to have. Their words floated into his ears nonetheless and forced him to see _red_.

“Hiwalayan mo na kasi, Jah,” Josh insisted, surprisingly calm judging by the long pause he took before speaking again in a far more convincing tone. “Niloloko ka lang ng gagong ‘yun!”

 _Gago._ Justin opened his eyes and gulped. He was forced to recall a certain point in the past, when he was young and consistently ever-protective, straight up throwing threats to the faces of those who ever _dared_ insult his boyfriend.

This time, however. . . Justin no longer had the strength in himself to even _care_.

Outside the fast-food chain, the sirens of an ambulance cut through the silence of the city. He followed the distant flaring lights of the vehicle and wished that he, too, could disappear with it.

More than a week had passed since Justin had seen the pictures. Every night, he grieved and continued grieving even while being enveloped by the arms he had ever imagined letting go. He grieved whenever Ken prepared him breakfast as if nothing out of the ordinary wouldn’t be happening on campus later that day. He grieved whenever Ken touched him bare and kissed him goodnight when it was all over.

For more than a week, he often wondered if the promises Ken had said to him seven years ago still meant something now.

“Pictures don’t lie, you know,” said Sejun, breaking Justin away from his trance. Beside him was Stell who had clutched the phone that stored all the evidence. “Tawagan mo siya, Justin. Ask him where he is.”

“I can’t. Naiwan ko yung phone ko sa apartment.”

“Puntahan mo,” insisted Stell. “Bisitahin mo sa campus.”

“Sa tingin mo ganon lang kasimple ‘yun?” Justin scoffed, almost offended, as if he wasn’t already trembling and violently shaking from the fear of actually losing the person who never failed to love every inch of his being, as if he was prepared to see Ken with another person and straight up say to his best friend's face that he could no longer survive the dying relationship, that Justin himself was growing weaker by the day and was already on the brink of giving up when in fact he still _wasn't_.

With a pounding headache, Justin exited the place and called a cab home.

…

And what _if_ Ken was indeed cheating on him? What then?

“Hello, dear.”

Clad in her casual thick cardigan, Justin’s mother looked every bit the younger woman that lathered his wounds with soap when he had gotten them as a kid. None of the wrinkles on her face gave off the decades that had passed since then. It was almost as if he was once again the child wailing when he accidentally scraped his knee in the garden.

But he was, in fact, no longer a child. No longer the young boy that had hidden behind his mother’s skirts when the thunder that cracked the sky forced him awake and crawling to his parents’ bed at midnight. This time, his hands were trembling beyond rational control and he had a path of uncertainty awaiting him the moment he’d step out of his mother’s house and come home from visiting her.

“Halika, anak.” She beckoned at him to come closer, reaching for his hand. The atmosphere in the house had grown warmer. “Sabihin mo sa akin lahat..”

For the first time again in eighteen years, he buried himself in his mother’s arms and cried.

…

Justin stood there stunned, hanging by their apartment door that he still hadn’t shut even after staring inside for approximately ten seconds. Why was he surprised?

“Bub, ‘di ka pa ba papaso—?”

“You’re not supposed to be here,” Justin croaked, forcing himself to spit the words out because, at some point, the sight of Ken cooking in their kitchen had genuinely taken him aback. The moment he had cracked the door open, Justin had to blink twice remind himself that he wasn't dreaming, that the chance of catching his own boyfriend in their apartment was an opportunity he would have likely never get again, as if the day Justin had spent with his friends today was destined to end with him coming home and finding all of the cabinets empty without Ken’s clothes and all evident traces of his boyfriend ever being there all _gone._

Because right now, where he was staring at Ken who stood in front of the kitchen island, Justin was reminded of candid photos and countless words from his friends who seemed to have known _better_ than he ever did.

_Why are you still with me?_

Ken chuckled, the hand that clutched a sauce-drenched wooden spoon now dropped to his side. “Pinagsasabi mo?”

“May review ka kaninang umaga,” Justin pointed out, skimming through the possible variables that should justify Ken’s expected disappearance. “Deadline na ngayon ng plates mo at may isa ka pang exam na nakaschedule mamaya. You’re supposed to be on campus, Ken.”

The second void of any sound stretched into a minute. There had been no abrupt, surprised laughter from Ken, no words spit out from the growing outrage at the fact that Justin was openly and evidently _doubting_ him, that he was still at the door simply because he refused to digest the fact that Ken was still _here._

Instead of lashing out, the ghost of a smile barely appeared across Ken’s face. He shook his head, averted his eyes to stare out of the kitchen window, and turned just as quickly to meet Justin’s still untrusting gaze.

“Tama ka,” said Ken, the words hollow and distinctly weary even as he approached Justin with apparent defiance. “But I finished my tests early,” he continued, reaching out to caress Justin’s jaw, “because I wanted to come home and cook for _you_.”

 _Please,_ Justin tore his eyes away, silently praying that the world would finally cease its sheer cruelty. _If this is another one of your ploys, please just end it soon._

“Malamig diyan sa labas, Jah,” pleaded Ken, running his hands down Justin’s arms to squeeze. “Pumasok ka na.”

When he kissed Justin’s temple, it no longer felt anything. Like a thorn tracing a wild plum’s stem, the gesture that should send Justin’s chest fluttering had instead grown painful.

Dinner was tense. Overwrought and terribly uneasy. Unexciting even, for the lack of a better word to describe the tension that had obviously made it more difficult for Justin to chew into the beef.

Halfway into their meal, Ken made the least of efforts to initiate small talk.

“Kumusta yung sauce?” he asked.

Justin had to tear his eyes from the plate for the first time that evening. “Ano?”

“Yung sauce,” Ken repeated, gesturing to the center dish that had an honestly palatable appearance thanks to the consecutive nights he had spent watching _Million Pound Menu_. “I had a little trouble with the vinegar earlier, but I was hoping you wouldn’t notice.”

“Right.” Justin brought the spoon to his lips out of instinct, shy under the eyes watching him. “Okay lang,” he said a moment later, adding, “I don’t mind.”

And if Justin had been outright lying when he had said that, Ken didn't have to know.

Despite gluing his eyes to the stained edges of his plate, Justin was still very much aware of his boyfriend’s obvious uneasiness. They’d both been silent for the whole duration of dinner, and he was most certainly positive that Ken had been watching him with clear suspicion, carefully tiptoeing around the elephant in the room they both knew was Justin’s evident sullen behavior.

It was ridiculous, really, how Ken had so effortlessly appeared innocent from all the crimes with which Justin had silently been charging him in his head. _Wag ka nang magpanggap,_ Justin would utter under his breath, repeating the words when he would catch Ken staring at him far too long before tearing his gaze away and staring at the pot of stew sitting in the middle of the table. _Guilty now, are you?_

Seven years with this man who had worked so hard to win Justin's heart, and here he was, now accused of cheating.

_Why are you still with me?_

Out of the blue, Ken stood up. He dragged his chair out, startling even Justin who had long since lost himself in his thoughts.

“May nakalimutan ako sa kwarto,” Ken announced. “Saglit lang.”

But only when he had left the kitchen did Justin even notice the maroon woolen jacket hung over the backrest of his boyfriend's chair.

It was one of the jackets Ken had only ever worn on special occasions, shoved into the dust-clad boxes stashed away in their close once upon a time but was surprisingly now staring at Justin's face. Without thinking twice, Justin crossed the table to seize it, fighting against his punishing anxiety when he pulled the slightly damp fabric, forced it against his nostrils, and _sniffed._

Burberry.

_Hindi. Hindi pwede._

That rich, unmistakable whiff of musk and vanilla, the sharp scent of the perfume owned by his boyfriend now tainting the damp fibers of the jacket which reeked of Ken's sweat. Everything in the kitchen suddenly felt wrong. The atmosphere had grown ridiculously colder by the second and that jacket. . . that damn _jacket_ crumpled by his two shaking hands. . .

Justin quickly fought back tears.

Ken had _never_ worn the perfume before, not even for Justin.

 _I caught you now,_ Justin choked, grounding himself on his seat so he would not fall. _I fucking caught you now._

The jacket fell from his hands.

Several deep breaths, both of his legs shaking underneath the kitchen table, and a mind that had used to remember only the pleasant memories from the seven years they’ve spent together was now conjuring these ugly images of a woman plastering a pale hand over Ken’s jacket-clad shoulder. She’d beam with blatant exhilaration as they strolled along the clear lane next to their university, basking in the fresh April breeze all the while Justin sat in the middle of their deserted kitchen, left alone to reminisce fading memories of their first night on the beach, recalling how much Ken had used to love him way back when, and downright _suffocating_ when—

“Justin.”

He whirled around, stunned like a deer caught in headlights by the sight that greeted him in the doorway. It was Ken sporting an unreadable expression, and right there in his hand — the hand that was evidently _shaking_ despite already being frozen mid-air — was the phone that Justin had stupidly left in their room that morning.

Panic crept up his spine.

“Wag,” snapped Justin, giving Ken a pointed look when his boyfriend started advancing. “Wag na _wag_ mo akong hahawakan, I—” he turned away, plastering his eyes to the window, wondering how much he’d bleed if he so much as punched the glass with his fist. “Ayaw kitang makita.”

And he didn’t, because right where he hugged himself on the stool as he breathed in the residue perfume, Justin could only remember their vows before the ocean.

_Ipinaglaban kita, Justin._

He shivered at the memory, a memory that felt hauntingly real despite the irony it came with. Seven years later and Ken was already cheating on him with a _woman_.

The used perfume said everything.

“Alam mo,” began Ken. "Dalas dalasin mo rin kaya ang pagpapalit ng password."

And when those words had come hanging in the air, it was only then that Justin had _realized_ his mistake.

“I thought you’d be more original. Anyone could guess my birthday, Justin.”

Fuck.

The texts. The fucking texts and the photos Sejun had sent him.

Horrified, Justin snapped his head around, gaining all momentum in his right arm to slap his boyfriend right there and right then when Ken surged in front of him, caught his wrist mid-air and _squeezed._

“Pitong taon,” whispered Ken, his eyes disturbingly red and swollen. “It’s been too long, Jah. . . I-I could _never_ —”

Justin slapped him with his left hand.

It hung in the air — the sharp sound of flesh against flesh resonating in the dimly-lit kitchen of their small apartment. Justin drew his hand back, blinking past the uncomfortable sight of Ken flinching away and bringing a hand to his damp, abused cheek as he sat on the kitchen stool, clasping his eyes shut as if the mere physical violence Justin had imposed on him was much more insulting than his own infidelity.

“It _has_ been long,” agreed Justin, practically choking the words out. “Hindi ikaw ang nakasama ko sa dagat nung gabing iyon.”

They stayed like that, drowning in the silence and counting the seconds. When Ken recovered from the impact, he shakily stood from his seat, his limbs quick enough to signal his defeat and reluctant departure but _not_ in the way that Justin had been expecting.

_Why are you still with me?_

Ken had stooped down to retrieve the jacket from the floor.

“Sige na,” he said, dropping the clothing on Justin’s lap. Justin had the sudden urge to fling the jacket away but hesitated when he noticed the shift in Ken’s voice. “Alam kong may hinahanap sa loob. Go ahead and do it.”

Humiliated, Justin narrowed his eyes. “Tangina, anong hahanapin ko?”

“Doesn’t matter,” said Ken, breathing heavily. “Hanapin mo na, Jah,” and when Justin made no move to grab the jacket, “I said fucking _look_ for it!”

“Oo na!”

_Asshole._

_You never treated me like this._

Justin stood up, towering over Ken a mere inch if only to remind himself how much he needed to remain composed. He didn’t know what he was bound to find in the jacket, but with a defiant scowl he shoved his hand inside the side pockets, his fingers trembling relentlessly from the anger that poisoned him, clouding his head from any rational thoughts as he dug into the cloth and _pleaded_ that—

He froze.

With a shaky breath, Justin pulled his hand out, blinking back tears. _Please._ When he had opened his palm to reveal the small object, he was pained to see a velvet box marked with the words _Denovo Diamonds._

At last, the shock rendered Justin speechless. He fell back onto his seat and broke down.

“I promised you, Justin,” whispered Ken, his own voice quivering. When Justin turned away in shame, Ken didn’t hesitate to surge forward and force their eyes to meet. “That night by the ocean… I promised you. I fucking _promised_ you.”

It overwhelmed him — what Justin felt now. What ghosted around his neck and squeezed his throat that endlessly refused to work, what forced him into shaking his head in denial, refusing to acknowledge that the ring in his hand was the ring Ken had planned on giving him had Justin not ruined it for the both of them now.

Finally, in shame, Justin had reached for his boyfriend to cry.

“I’m sorry,” he pleaded, soaking the collar of Ken’s dress shirt. His heart still ached from the pictures but Justin’s head had long since insisted on hearing out his own boyfriend first. In that moment, where he clung to Ken in the middle of their kitchen, where the ring laid neglected on the island counter as the two reconciled, Justin had found it easier to _trust_ him _._

“Walang iba, Justin,” Ken whispered, running his hand over the small of Justin’s back when both of them had already grown calmer. “Please, Jah. I _swear_ on my life, there’s no one else but you.”

Despite everything, Justin _believed_ him.

…

And what would he make of himself this time?

For a world full of uncertainties, Justin clung to the one truth that had never once failed him:

Ken will choose him, and will forever keep choosing him despite the many challenges that compromised their trust in each other. In this world, Ken was his and his alone. The silver band around Justin’s ring finger proved as much.

He wanted to run to his mother and tell her good things.

…

“Alam kong inimbitahan lang tayo ni Jah dito, pero dre. . . Gutom na gutom na talaga ako.”

Across the table, Stell swatted Josh’s hand from the prawns that lay untouched at the center. Justin paid them no mind, whirling around to scan the guests in the seaside restaurant in hopes of finding his fiance.

“Late na naman si Ken.”

At Sejun’s accusatory tone, Justin ceased his searching and sighed. “Oo nga. Kailangan pa niyang sunduin si Adi sa entrance.”

Josh gaped at him. “Pupunta _siya_?”

“Bakit hindi?”

“Eh kasi nga.”

Sejun cleared his throat. “I don’t think Josh knows the whole story.”

As those words, Justin only chuckled and shook his head. A part of him still found the idea funny, but there wasn’t any denying that he had understood the situation much better ever since Ken had told him the truth. In fact, Ken’s confession during the night they fought was the one thing that grounded Justin after months and months of doubting his boyfriend.

Speaking of.

“Sorry, we’re late.”

Ken strode into the space, clad in washed denim with an oversized dress shirt that remained unbuttoned around his wrists. Trailing behind him was the woman whom Justin had come to know as Adi, reserved in her steps though very much radiating the energy of a lordly acquaintance in her jumpsuit. She threw a subtle smile and bowed her head.

“Hindi, sakto lang,” Justin reassured, ignoring the three of his friends who had gone completely silent. Ken leaned in to peck his cheek before taking the seat to Justin’s left. Adi followed wordlessly, setting the paper bags by the floor and sitting across Stell where a chair lay vacant.

“You must have heard of me,” she started, probably noticing the tension between the three. “I wouldn’t be too surprised. I do quite remember meeting your friend good Stell on several occasions.”

Stell flinched on his seat, and casually reached for the glass of water. Sejun turned away without speaking.

Josh, on the other hand, was obviously having none of it. “Pasensya ka na, _Adi_ , pero—”

“It’s _Adelaide_ ,” she corrected, plastering a tight smile. “Ken and Justin’s official wedding designer.”

Stell choked on his water. Ken started snickering a moment later to which Justin responded with a glare to silence him. Everyone around the table grew quiet, except for Adelaide, whose grim expression slowly turned more inviting when she finally chuckled and dropped the act.

Justin knew that his friends would be taken aback. If anything, their initial reaction wasn’t as different from the one Justin had sported when Ken had told him the truth that night.

  
  


“The only reason Adi and I spent so much time together in class was that I needed help with the wedding plans,” Ken had reasoned, caressing Justin’s arm as they held each other on the couch. “Syempre, graduating na ako. Sunod-sunod na ang deadlines, and I couldn’t exactly sneak out of the apartment on the weekends simply because _someone_ was keeping quite a close eye on me.”

Justin huffed, slightly embarrassed. “Sino ba naman kasi ang hindi mag-aalala? Malay ko ba kung ano yung ginagawa niyo ng babaeng ‘yun.”

“Kasi nga,” Ken sighed, “kailangan ko ng tulong para sa kasal natin.”

A beat of momentary silence passed between them. Justin seized the chance to glance at his fiance’s face and wonder just what he had done in his past life to deserve this man right here.

“I love you,” Justin whispered, and this time, he meant it.

“Alam ko,” replied Ken, smiling. He reached out and squeezed Justin’s hand, “which is why I followed your mom’s advice and talked to the wedding designer she knew was studying at my uni.”

“Teka, _ano_?”

Ken had only laughed at him in reply.

  
  


Back at the seaside restaurant, where his friends chatted with the now bubbly Adi as they pitched in ridiculous ideas for the wedding, Justin wondered what to make of his life in the next five years. He would be, of course, spending it with the hot piece of his husband by his side, but there were questions he often only addressed at the wee hours where Ken would be way out of hearing range to poke fun of him.

Despite his worries, Justin wondered what it would be like to have a family with Ken. Yes, he was happy, and very much so, but with a man like Ken who seemed fitting for the title of a father, Justin understood that maybe his little fantasies might just prove possible after all.

Still, they had far enough time to get around to such decisions. He was only pulled back into the reality of their lunch by the ocean when Ken slipped a hand over Justin’s knee and turned to him.

“You okay?” he asked, obviously worried. In response, Justin could only cover Ken’s hand with his own and _linger_.

Was he?

“Never better,” answered Justin, meaning every word, because, in truth, nothing, and nothing at all could be better than the life he shared with Ken now.

Justin had a whole lifetime to prove it.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is what keeps me going. I'd love to hear your thoughts!
> 
> Edit: Kenstellation’s monthsary is coming up. See you then ;) 
> 
> (you can also scream at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/garudaks)!)


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